Sunday, November 30

Lucky Shopping and Seeing Double Santa's

First, I must apologize for slacking off so tremendously for these last few days. I really don't have much of an excuse, just busy with Christmas broo-haha. This weekend we checked out the parade 1 town over to see Santa, a parade which involved the towns emergency vehicles, various sized horses, the middle-high school's marching band, a freaky giant Frosty marching alongside an equally freaky giant green Christmas tree and of course, the big man in red himself. Actually, we saw 2 Santa's. It was the strangest thing, first one Santa comes riding by with Mrs. Claus by his side and then about 4 minutes later another Santa goes riding by with yet another Mrs. Claus by his side. What? I immediately looked at the kids. Surely they would notice that this was a different Santa. Hell, you could look further up the road and still see Santa #1. But they didn't even seem to be fazed, waving and yelling "hi Santa." So weird. I think children just have such blind faith in the magic of Santa that seeing him twice didn't seem at all unusual. After the parade we ambled over to the tree lighting with everyone else but I had a rare burst of super-smartness and continued over to where we could visit with Santa. Actually, while one Santa was heading up the tree lighting, another was already getting ready to receive children on his lap. Ah ha, double Santa's strike again. We ended up 3rd in a line of about 100 kids to sit on Santa's lap. Jack and Abbey had their picture taken (see above) and even got to deliver their letters in person. So frickin' cute and made that much better by the 100 families we passed on our way OUT the door all waiting their turn.

The weekend got even better when my mom (who has been blessed with the gift of bargain shopping) took me to get my Christmas purchasing started and it rocked. I got tons and tons accomplished. Usually when I go into a store I kind of wander around in a disoriented fashion, ending up purchasing things I don't even need, or a bunch of gifts for people I don't even give to. We went to, well, I am not going to name the store because then people will know where I got their gifts, plus it might shed a little "clue" to where I live which my husband is strongly against. Safety first at all times, that's his motto. But the prices at this place were fantastic. I even got some stuff for myself, lets just call it an early Christmas gift to moi. Suggested retail value for my new clothing, $156.99. MY price, $44.95. $48 pants from the Gap, $12.99. Levi Sweater for $36 and I found it for $8.99 (so I got 2 of course). Ahhh, I do love Christmas.

Thursday, November 27

What Are You Thankful For?

"As God is my witness, I thought turkey's could fly." For a fabulous Thanksgiving memory, click here!

A turkey is a funny bird,
it's head goes wobble wobble
All it says it just one word
gobble, gobble, gobble!

Well, the big day is finally here. Before we gorge ourselves, I will remember I am thankful for my family, having healthy kids, that Dennis has a job when so many don't right now, that we have a roof and heat and food and clothes. That we have so much that I sometimes forget, but today is not the day to forget. So enjoy your families, enjoy your feast, and enjoy your life. Now go and pig out!


Tuesday, November 25

Four In The Bed

You know that song, "There were 10 in the bed and the little one said, roll over, I'm squished.
So they all rolled over and one fell out, there were 9 in the bed . . . "

Well, here is my new version:

There were 4 in the bed and the big momma said
Get the f%$k out of my bed, I'm squished!

I know that I have posted before about my children's inability to sleep in their beds for the entire night. For a while it was getting better, there were even 3 or 4 nights out of the week where no child came into our bed at all, at least until the morning. Lately though we have had a huge setback in sleeping habits. Now Jack is in our room every night without fail. If he wakes me up I bring his back to his own room to sleep, but most of the time he just sneaks quietly in next to Dennis, pushing Dennis into the middle and shoving me toward the edge. I wake up at some point with my ass hanging half off and Dennis' elbow in my ear. Usually the reason I have woken up at all is that Abbey is asking me to "move in" so she can join us. Really, our bed is a queen sized, although I don't even think a giant California King could hold us all. We are not small people, and our children are getting bigger by the second. Jack is 70 lbs now, and Abbey grew over 3 inches this year. So instead of doing the "right" thing, the Supernanny thing of saying nothing and putting them gently but forcefully (gently but forcefully, what?) back into their own beds every single time they get up, I usually just give up, grab my alarm clock and head to an empty bed. Jack's is my first choice, being that it is a double and pretty soft. Abbey's isn't bad though, it is a cozy little twin and I find her newly decorated big girl room quite soothing. But all these interruptions make for not good sleep, I swear I never get any of that REM sleep any more and I think that is why I can't lose any weight. Yeah, that's the reason. It's because of the children waking me up . . . yup, that has to be it. Yet another way the sneaky children are making me fat! Drat.

Saturday, November 22

Still My Baby

Phew, such a busy weekend that it has taken me 2 days to post this. Why so busy? Well, my baby, my baby turned 4. At 9:23 am Saturday morning it was official. Not a baby anymore, in reality barely ever a baby. Abbey seemed to be born, be a newborn for about a week, and then an infant for about a month. By the time she turned 1 and was walking around she was already a "girl." I should maybe even feel a little jipped, being that it seemed the baby-ness of my "last" baby was so fleeting. But I don't. I have just always been in awe of her, of her confidence. Her humor. Her intelligence. Her deep well of love and compassion. Her patience. Her immense stubborn streak. Her resilience. Her resourcefulness. So far she has been the easier of my 2. Aside from a month of colickness early on, she just seems to go with the flow. Maybe it is being a girl, or being second born. Her brother's needs always seem to be so URGENT, as much at 6 as they were at 1. Whereas she seems content to wait her turn, wait it out. More often than not if she wants something done or needs something she just does it herself. She always has. She's like me in that way, no point waiting around for someone else to do something that they will probably do wrong anyway.

So Saturday we had a big family party for her, with 40 relatives arriving to shower the princess with gifts and birthday wishes. She wore a special new princess dress from Grammy (Sleeping Beauty, NOT Cinderella which you might think but don't you dare). She had a special pin, "Birthday Princess" and pink streamers and princess balloons everywhere. My mother brought her a gorgeous cake shaped like a carriage with a polly pocket princess and prince in attendance. It was her kind of day. For me the day was super busy, lots of running around but I still managed to eat practically an entire lasagna by myself and a million cookies. Ughghg, think I'll be skipping Un-frump Wednesday this week. Even all the running around I did won't make up for that, and I think I even snapped at my mother (sorry mom, but besides my husband there is no one else I can snap at, and I can only snap at him so much). And all the presents she received, it's almost ridiculous. Dresses and tights, Barbie's and Polly Pockets, a REAL tea set, Play-doh up the wazoo. One of the Barbie's even came with a dog that you can feed and then it poops out the little brown pellets that Barbie can pick up with a pooper scooper, they look like brown Good N' Plenty's! Such a riot. And we can't forget Baby Alive. She was thrilled of course, but this baby really pees (water, not actual urine although there probably is a play baby out there that does that!) She came with little disposable diapers that have to be purchased, although I am trying to dry one out now because she is already on the last one (she only came with 3, which took us 1 day to use up with all the water she has been fed). I found myself holding Baby Alive, christened today as Baby Ella and absentmindedly bouncing her, without even realizing it. Old habits die hard I suppose. But I think I am content to just be a grandma to baby Ella now, even though Jack declared "babies are fun, I wish we had a real baby in the house." Bite your tongue little boy! I am quite enjoying my life with a 6 year old and a 4 year old and have no desire to start over. As we speak Baby Alive is sound asleep in the cradle in Abbey's room, needing absolutely nothing from me! Glorious.

So now she is 4, and she seems more grown up already. Today she got the milk out of the fridge by herself, and twice in the last two days she has answered when asked a question "that's for me to know and you to find out." Where does she get these things? But like her brother she will always be my baby, mine to hug and kiss and tickle, mine to love. And that's just the way I like it.

Wednesday, November 19

Rudolph's Roundup

First off, let's get the unpleasantness of Un-frump out of the way. Let's just say that the day started with me yelling "frick frick frick" and Abbey asking me "mommy, why are you mad at the scale?" That's not true, she was still asleep, but there was yelling at the scale involved, albeit soft yelling. 1 lb gained, I'm going to move on now though, hope for better next week. I always have a setback after a good week, so I shouldn't be surprised.

Now, onto other things. Some of you may remember me writing about a little boy battling cancer named Coleman Larson a while ago, on International Coleman Day. If you didn't, you can catch up by reading all about him and his family (including his adorable twin brother Caden) here. Presently the family is in New York City undergoing treatment, so let's send some extra prayers and good thoughts their way. Michelle over at Semblance of Sanity wanted to raise money for the family, so she got together with Mimi, another Care Page momma and they cooked up Rudolph's Roundup. Bunches of people sent Mimi lots of fun prizes and they will be having a great raffle. I will just paste the last entry right from Mimi's own site to let you know more about it.

RUDOLPH'S ROUNDUP prizes are coming in steady. I got candles in today, they are 3 wick candles in a glass container shaped like Texas ! They are beautiful ... (not just cuz they are Texas shaped , well...). I will be getting some Cure Search stuff, a team Unite sweatshirt. I am also designing new Coleman and Caden Tee Shirts. That will be a surprise for later..." For now it is time to get busy: I DECLARE RUDOLPH'S ROUNDUP OPEN. One entry: $5 or three entries: $10. (Maximum 3 entries, BUT donations for more welcome ) The $$$ will go exclusively to TEAM LARSON (100%), please be generous, we want their holiday season to be as amazing as possible...You can either mail in the money for your entries and/or donations.

Mimi Avery
111 Aviator Dr
Fort Worth , TX 76179

Or paypal them at

If your heart is willing, please include a short (or not) note for The Larson's. Even if you paypal, I will print the notes out for them. If you didn't quite get it, if you have questions, suggestions email me at

You may be thinking "I don't know this Mimi, I'm not going to send her any money!" I understand but believe me, the money will go to the Larson's. Mimi lost her own son Julian last January to the same cancer that Coleman is fighting, her heart is pure and her determination to help families that are in the same boat she was in knows no bounds. So, if you are considering giving a donation somewhere this holiday season, consider Rudolph's Roundup, you could win a great mystery prize!

Remember, our children drive us crazy and can be real pains in the butts sometimes, but they are healthy and happy, so go and hug them and kiss them and smell them. Go. Now. Go on.

Monday, November 17

The Enchanted Forest

This title isn't really accurate in the fact that although the woods around my house are alive, they are not exactly enchanted. The word enchanted conjures up images of fairies and sprites, singing birds and dancing princesses. The trees in my woods are enchanted for sure, but not in a good way. Honestly, sometimes I think they are out to get us. As fall begins the acorns start to come down, with such force and gravity that at times I think the children should have to wear helmets outside. When we got the new mini-van I almost didn't want to park it in my driveway! Then a strong wind blows and branches come flying down as if they were attached to the trees with no more than bits of scotch tape. And then the leaves, the beautiful fall leaves. The trees shed and shed and shed and we rake and rake and rake. Every fall as I rake I think about this book I read when I was in middle school, Blubber by Judy Blume. Anyone remember this? In the book these two girls "egg" this old man's house on Halloween night. They are caught egg-handed (ha ha) and as punishment have to rake this man's enormous leaf riddled yard. That's what I want. Not to be egged, obviously, although if it would buy me the time of a couple of pre-teens to come and do my raking I would gladly accept.

I still love fall though, it is my favorite season and I'm sure the trees don't have anything personally against me, it's just their way.

On another note, this marks my 100th post. When I started writing this I never imagined I would write 100 times! I want to extend a GIANT thank you to everyone who reads, whether you check in religiously or once in a while. I know that the Internet is a big vast space, with lots to read and see, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you come and visit me.

Friday, November 14

A Spoonful Of Sugar

Who is this little boy who used to be my baby? This little boy who puts on silly glasses and quips "Tip Tip Tallyhoe" just to make his sister laugh. When Jack was little he used to get ear infections up the wazoo. I think he had 10 from the time he was 1 to the time he was 2. (Then tubes, viola ~) But during this time he had to take antibiotics of course, and he was THE WORST medicine taker. I used to have to pin him down, and physically lay across him to get it in his mouth. I would have to push that syringe way back in his throat, practically gagging him and shoot it out at the exact correct speed to get the liquid into him without causing him to choke and throw it back up. It was not pleasant, and not a job for one person. Usually it would be for 3 days, but occasionally I would hear that phrase I began to dread, "twice a day for ten days." After the tubes his infections let up, although he would still get one now and again, and so now and again I would have to muscle him down and shoot pink liquid down his throat. I was remembering this recently because he just got another ear infection. He usually has 2 a year now, which is much more manageable. This year the antibiotics they gave him didn't work, so we had to get something stronger. It is white and thick and has to be taken twice a day for 10 days. 10 days is such a long time, and I was dreading it. But he's 6 now, and although he told me it was "the most disgusting thing I've ever had to drink" he drank it down bravely. It is still shocking to me that my baby is now a boy, and I don't HAVE to force medicine down his throat, or do any number of things for him that I was so used to doing every day. Tonight he actually said "I think I'm getting used to this stuff" as he threw back his head and drained down the last drop of white goop. What a trooper. Now if he can drink that, why can't he eat peas?

Wednesday, November 12

Do I Get A Star?

When I used to go to Weight Watchers 100 years ago you would get a star when you reached 5 pounds lost. I must admit that I didn't get too many stars, but I would have gotten more if you could get one every time you hit 5 pounds down. I mean, I would lose 5, get a star, gain 1, then lose 1.5. Should I be asking for another star? I never did, I mean I would have had those stars coming out of my ass with all the times I went up and down with the same 5 pounds. So today I am going to make myself a shiny star and put it on my fridge, because I am happy to report that this installment of un-frump my jelly belly is a success. First it is a success because unlike last week I actually got on my scale. Second I was very happy because I was down almost 2 pounds. For anyone paying attention (and believe me I don't really expect anyone to be actually paying attention to this, I know you have lives) this is 5.6 pounds gone, and it only took me 4 weeks! I know, I know, the breakneck speed with which I am losing this weight is probably not healthy, but I'm willing to chance it. So, now I must stay focused because I still have a long way to go, 15 pounds to go. Focus . . . focus . . . focus . . . tostitos . . . cheese . . . I mean focus . . . cookies . . .

Tuesday, November 11

Curious Indeed

"After a good meal and a good pipe, George felt very tired." This line was written by H.A. Rey in 1941 for his classic, "Curious George." Can you believe it? You forget how much things have changed! And there is actually a picture of cute little George sitting in an overstuffed easy chair, smoking a pipe. Jack and Abbey were a little surprised, exclaiming "but monkey's can't smoke!" Indeed they can't. In fact, if what you remember most about Curious George is the recent movie or the shows on PBS, you are sorely misinformed. In the book the man in the yellow hat actually kidnapped George from the jungle to bring him home to New York for the zoo. He put him in a bag and swept him from his home. Once home, after he did all that smoking, he accidentally (because he is so curious, natch) called the fire department and when they arrived they were so pissed it was a false alarm that they had George arrested and put in prison. Prison! Its pretty funny though, seeing that little monkey behind bars. Maybe it was supposed to be a lesson for the kiddies of the 40's. Screw around and be too curious and you'll end up in jail sonny! I must say I am glad that Jack took it out of the library so that we could see how the classics were really meant to be written.

Monday, November 10

Badges! We Don't Need No Stinkin' Badges!

You all know who Betsy Ross is, right? Come on, think, think. Fourth grade. American History. Right, she sewed the first American Flag, good job! I think it is pretty safe to assume that we are not related in any way (but I am related to John & John Quincy Adams, so there). Jack just started Cub Scouts and was recently embraced into the brethren as a Tiger Cub. It is incredibly adorable. He is so proud of himself and his orange kerchief, with his little tiger slide. He has been pouring through his handbook, checking out the cool stuff he will be doing, and asking me every day "do I have Cub Scouts today?" And his blue shirt, the "official" shirt of the Cub Scouts. And the badges, his den number and troop number and council badge and round scouting symbol. Oh those adorable little son's of a bitches badges . . . I mean super easy to sew if you are someone who owns a needle badges . . . I mean stick a needle in your eye how the hell do you do this badges. What movie was it where they said "Badges, we don't need no stinkin' badges!" Blazing Saddles? That line just kept going through my head as I sat this weekend hunched over his blue shirt attempting to sew on these damn tricky badges. Actually they are probably a piece of cake for some mothers, just not me. I do not sew. I do not hem. I do not stitch. I do not embroider. I bless the day I found "Stitch Witchery" where you can hem pants and such by just ironing this white gauzy stuff onto them. Of course, after about 6 or 7 washings you have to do it again, but it is still way easier than actual sewing.

First I had to find my sewing kit (if you can actually call it that). I did, but it had no needles. I think we last used it to pull a splinter out of Jack's hand last summer, haven't seen it since. So I went up to my mother-in-laws and got some. While I was there I got in a little bit of a tiff with my father-in-law, who is a pain in the ass, but that's another story altogether. Then I tried to thread it. And I tried again. And again and again and again. Finally I got the actual sewing underway, but it kept slipping. Ah Ha, that is what the pins are for! To keep the badge in place while sewing. Genius! Eventually I got into a groove, and the kids even took a couple of tries. I especially wanted Jack to see how much actual work was going into this sewing, and let him know that as soon as he was old enough and learned he would be sewing his badges on himself. Unfortunately I think I have a few years before he is up for this challenge, but if I can do it, I'm sure he can. Suffice it to say it was a long process, but I did manage to get almost all of them sewn on, and now that I have the hang of it I'm sure the other 2 will go faster. I only pricked my finger with the needle around 68 times, so that's pretty good. I put the thimble on at last but it kept falling off. Damn thing.

I know that I could have given it to my mother or my mother-in-law or my grandmother and asked them to sew it, but I don't know. I wanted to do this myself. It just felt like something that as his mother I was supposed to do. Does that make sense?

Friday, November 7

Wonderwoman To The Rescue!

Do you ever wish you had superpowers? Of course you do. If you could have one purely for yourself superpower what would it be? This would have to be a power beyond the obvious ones like, "Save the World", "Cure Cancer" "Have Money Fly Out Of Your Butt" or "End Starvation". I think mine would be to be able to suck up all the dirt and dust in my house and eradicate it back to the earth where it belongs. I would just start spinning really fast and all this dust would fly out of my front door. There, mission complete! This would help especially now when my house seems to be drowning in dust. Where is it all coming from? I look up at the ceiling and start to see all these cobwebs everywhere, like we are living in a haunted house or something. Before I know it I am on my tiptoes on a chair, teetering precariously and swiping at the dust with a rag. But no matter how much you clean it, it just leads down the hall to more dust. Into another bedroom and more dust. There is no end! Yes, being a supercleaner would be awesome. So, what is your fantasy superpower?

Wednesday, November 5

A New Day

First, let me inform you that this week's installment of Unfrump-A-Slump Wednesday will not take place due to the magnitude of Halloween candy I ate, which in turn made me too chicken shit to get on my scale this morning. I promise I will be back on that horrid contraption next week, hopefully with good news.

In other news, we have elected a brand spankin' new president. No matter what you're personal political views or wishes, we can all be happy that we will no longer have to be inundated with political ads every 4 seconds, and I will not have Abbey come up to me with this statement again. "Mommy, did you know that 19 dogs DIED in their cages???" Ummmm, as a matter of fact I think I DID hear that about 4 or 5 THOUSAND times. Instead I answered "yes, that is very sad, but those dogs were all quite old and just happened to get sick and die, it happens."

It is a big day for our country, monumental and historic. An exciting time. A time of change (hopefully good). We have elected the first African American President. The world keeps turning, evolving and growing, and still my husband can't seem to find the damn hamper or the dishwasher. Why?

Monday, November 3

Pre-Voting Cramming

So, will you vote tomorrow? Of course I plan on voting tomorrow, I think anyone who doesn't might run the risk of getting stoned by their peers. I know all about how women fought with their lives to give me the right to vote, and I promise I won't squander it away. I just wish I were a little more, informed? Educated in this particular area? Political? I guess I just wish I were more sure. Red or blue? Yes or No? Vote no on Question 1 and yes on 2, or was it yes on 1 and no on 2, and what about 3? Am I a friend to the animals or people who need jobs? I tend to lean toward humans every time. And I just know that someone has snuck in a "Question 4" or something and it will totally throw me. Sure, I should know who I am voting for by now, and I do, kind of. Sometimes I feel like we are just voting for the least bad choice, rather than the best choice. I wish the decision were more cut and dry. My grandmother votes for whichever candidate is pro-life. That's all. The requirement is that if you are pro-life you get her vote. No further information needed. I wish I had something like that which would swing my vote in one solid direction. After all, I can't not vote for Obama because he seems too flashy or spent way more than I thought he should on an ad any more than I shouldn't vote for McCain because he blinks too much when he talks (a sure sign of a liar if you ask me) or because he is really old and, well, old. I really should base my decision more on the facts.

I have decided that I will just do what I did in High School and College when I had a big test and procrastinated. I will cram tonight, gathering information on both candidates so that I can make an informed decision. You know, stuff that I should have been paying attention to these last million months rather than occupying my mind with things like birthday parties, Halloween costumes and what's for dinner. So tonight after the kids go to bed I will hit the Internet and get information, right after I watch Jon & Kate Plus 8 . . . . unless I get too tired.