The Raincoat

When you have children and you see them day after day, night after everlasting night, you tend not to notice that they are growing. They grow and change each day, but we don't notice it. When they are infants you can't help but notice. They change so fast, even you who know every minute detail of their little bodies can see that they have grown. They getter bigger from week to week, sometimes it seems from hour to hour. If you watch close enough I swear you can even see their fingernails grow! But when they are older it seems to sneak up on you at unexpected moments, like when you pull out their change of season clothes. Abbey has had a bright pink raincoat for 2 years. I got it at Landsend, I love it, she loves it. When I first bought it she was 2, and it was too big for her, but she wore it anyway. I remember that the hood was so big that when she wore it up it would cover her entire face, making her look like someone from Star Wars. Today it is raining (as it is supposed to all weekend) and she pulled on her trustee pink raincoat. But today it was too small. When she put it on her wrists were hanging about 2 inches below the sleeves. I tried to pull the sleeves down, but her little white wrists kept creeping down again. I had one of those nostalgic moments as I placed the coat into my "give to another little girl we know" pile, next to her outgrown ladybug slippers and piles of summer tee's. This afternoon I realized that my children are old now, not old like give me the car keys get out of my face old, but markedly more independent than I feel they just were. For example, today they were playing, just entertaining themselves and I realize that this is wonderful. It is what is supposed to happen. But I was just standing in the kitchen, at a loss. I felt confused, like in a "what was I doing again?" state. It is disorienting when you spend years doing stuff for your children almost every waking hour of your life and then one day you realize with a start that now they do so much more on their own. And you are just left there, standing in the middle of the kitchen.

Ms. Realistic

You know the section in the parenting magazines where they answer readers questions? I have assembled some answers that I would like to see. Let’s call our expert Ms. Realistic.

Dear Ms. Realistic,
How much TV should I let my child watch?

Typically, children should only watch 1 hour of TV per day, tops. That being said, if it is a snow day, they are sick, you are sick, it is raining, it is a Saturday or Sunday, you have to clean your whole house and/or have a lot of laundry to do, you are on an important phone call, you have work to get done, you would like to talk to your husband, or you just don’t feel like talking to them for a while, it is more than OK to let them watch a 12 hour Jimmy Neutron marathon on Nickelodeon.

Dear Ms. Realistic,
Is it bad to let my child have coffee?

Not at all. A few sips is not going to hurt them. It is especially a good idea to give them some caffeine around 4 pm if they seem like they might slip into a nap, thereby screwing up their entire bedtime routine and keeping them up with you while you try to watch Grey’s Anatomy.

Dear Ms. Realistic,
My “babies” are 6 and almost 4, will I ever lose those last 20 pregnancy pounds?

Let’s face it, the statistical odds of you ever losing those 20 pounds are only about 9%. My advice is to just forget about it. Your kids think you are beautiful and your husband probably thinks you are hot, enough. Just give up, realize that 10 lbs per child is actually an accomplishment, and have yourself some cheese. It was recently discovered to be “the best snack on earth.”

Dear Ms. Realistic,
Is it bad to criticize my husband in front of the children?

No, no, not at all. How else will the children know that you do all the work around the house while their father watches TV? Doing this will teach your children very important life lessons. For a son, it will show them how irritated their wife will someday become if they don’t pull their weight, and for a daughter it will help to show her the kind of man she shouldn't marry.

Dear Ms. Realistic,
Is it OK to lie to my children?

Of course. Children are not supposed to know the truth all the time, or to be fully informed about life and the world around them. Most of the time, lying to them is the only way.

Dear Ms. Realistic,
My child sleeps with their eyes open, is this normal?

Oh my goodness, No! That is freaky. Your child is obviously possessed by some sort of demon. You should probably have them checked out by a priest or someone in a similar religious organization as soon as possible.

Dear Ms. Realistic,
Is is alright to let my children play with toy weapons?

Well, this is a tough question. I believe it depends on many circumstances. For example, if you live in a rural hunting area, your children should probably learn how to handle weapons as soon as possible, and toy ones are the best way to start. I would not recommend letting children have real weapons. . . until they are at least 10.

Dear Ms. Realistic,
My children sometimes like to sleep in bed with me and my husband. Is this bad?

Not at all. If it helps everyone to get rest, let them sleep in your bed. Someday they won’t want to be in your bed. Or at the same table with you. Or in the car with you. You will have to drop them off far from school or the mall, or pretend you don’t know them when they see their friends at a sporting event. Someday you will probably cry and say to people, “it seems like only yesterday they were crawling into my bed and today they flipped me off and slammed the door in my face.” So by all means, let them in your bed. Snuggle them close and smell their little kid smells. One day you will be smelling them to see if they smell like butts or pot, and that won’t be nearly as much fun.

Funtastic Weekend

This weekend was an absolute blast. We headed to New Hampshire to go to Storyland with 5 other families, friends I've had since college. 12 adults, 13 kids, one house, one hellava good time. We got to hang out, the kids got to be kids, the Old Lady In The Shoe got to be old. It was wonderful! Giant kudos to our friend Kate who drove EIGHT hours, got a speeding ticket and almost killed her husband just to hang with us. I am too tired to write more, being that I am exhausted from all the fun, fighting off a cold and am still hung-over from Saturday night. Man I'm old, I just can't party like I used to!

Waist-Less

Well, it's official. I now know for sure that my body is strange and weird. I always suspected it. I knew I was shaped like a cucumber, inherited from my mother who is just a slightly shorter, larger cucumber (sorry mom). I popped into Fashion Bug with Abbey to get some new jeans (for me, not her) after gymnastics (for her, not me obviously). I had heard about this supposed great new "Right Fit" technology (like is it really "technology")? There were tons and tons of these pants everywhere, it was of course a little overwhelming. Obviously, since this technology is so "new" and all, they couldn't just use the regular old technology pant sizing system and had to come up with an entirely new one. Instead of being between a 2 and a 14 for example, you are between a 1 and an 11. I checked out the guidelines and decided I would probably be a 9. Before I could start looking an associate scurried over and asked if I needed help finding my "perfect" fit. Sure. Why not. I like help whenever it is offered. She whipped out her measuring tape (gulp) and proceeded to wrap it around my waist. Her brow furrowed in confusion. She motioned for another associate to come over. They commiserated. They looked perplexed.

Associate #1. "Well, it just doesn't make any sense. Her size isn't coming up anywhere on this measure. It is saying she should be in the Plus size, but looking at her that doesn't seem right. Her legs and hips are too small, a plus would be too big. Hmmmm."

Associate #2. "You know, this happened to me one time before, last week. I had a customer who just didn't fit. It was very strange. I didn't know what to do."

At this point a third associate came over to help, they discussed my odd shape disorder and decided I should try both a 10 and an 11, in the yellow (straight) fit and the red (slightly not straight) fit, but most definitely not in the curvy blue fit (due to my complete lack of curviness).

Abbey and I were off to the dressing room with 3 people helping (this was on a Wednesday at 1 pm, not a big shopping time). I tried on jean after jean after jean, while Abbey quickly lost her patience, and her shoes and proceeded to run in and out of the dressing room floating like a butterfly and dancing around in her leotard before the many mirrors. After too many pants to count it was discovered that my perfect size was . . . . wait for it . . . a 9. Hmmmm. By this time though I had lost Abbey completely and had to go to the grocery store before Jack got home from school and didn't actually have any time to choose the color or style I wanted in my new "perfect" size. So I left. Pantless. Umm, but thanks for all your help!

Did You Know?

Did you know that September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month?

Did you know that cancer is the number one illness among children?

Did you know that each year one in every 330 kids will be diagnosed with cancer before age 19?

Did you know that The National Cancer Institute’s (NCI) federal budget was $4.6 billion. Of that, breast cancer received 12%, prostate cancer received 7%, and all 12major groups of pediatric cancers combined received less than 3%?

Did you know that one out of every five children diagnosed with cancer dies?

Did you know that Cancer in childhood occurs regularly, randomly, and spares no ethnic group, socioeconomic class, or geographic region?

I didn't. But I do now. There are tons of things you can do, but one is very simple and also quite tasty. Eat at Chili's. They have made a 10-year, $50 million commitment to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital and on September 29th they will be donating 100% of their profits. 100%! I wasn't planning on eating at Chili's on September 29th (which happens to be my brothers birthday) but now I will. So Matt, how about joining me & the kids at Chili's to celebrate your big 3-0 (oops, did I put that here)? I'll probably have the fahita's. Or maybe the Bacon Burger. Or perhaps the Boneless Buffalo Chicken Salad. Ahhh, choices, choices.